I know I said I was going on "vacation," but--as is what seems to be becoming the usual--shit is spiraling out of control and I need to write out my thoughts.
For a long time now, I've been praying that things will get better. I've been asking my Higher Power for the strength to get through this and for patience for my situation. I've been praying that my husband will also find strength and acceptance, that he'll have the clarity to see how his addiction to porn is ripping apart our marriage.
Last night, however, I prayed that I'll no longer care. I don't want to look at my husband and think about what could be in our relationship, but is not. I want all my hopes and dreams and love to disappear so I can't be hurt anymore. I want a switch I can flip to "off," so that all the good feelings I've somehow managed to hold onto--and the pain that's an inevitable byproduct--will escape my system and all that will be left is an empty numbness. I want to look at him and see a stranger I vaguely recall loving back in the day.
Because he is becoming a stranger. The person I fell in love with didn't yell and blame, slamming doors and getting up in my face. The person I fell in love with would never look me straight in the eye and tell me he hates me. The person I fell in love with wouldn't go back on his promises and flippantly tell me he changed his mind.
I want to be numb so I won't feel like such a naive and gullible fool. God, help me.
For a long time now, I've been praying that things will get better. I've been asking my Higher Power for the strength to get through this and for patience for my situation. I've been praying that my husband will also find strength and acceptance, that he'll have the clarity to see how his addiction to porn is ripping apart our marriage.
Last night, however, I prayed that I'll no longer care. I don't want to look at my husband and think about what could be in our relationship, but is not. I want all my hopes and dreams and love to disappear so I can't be hurt anymore. I want a switch I can flip to "off," so that all the good feelings I've somehow managed to hold onto--and the pain that's an inevitable byproduct--will escape my system and all that will be left is an empty numbness. I want to look at him and see a stranger I vaguely recall loving back in the day.
Because he is becoming a stranger. The person I fell in love with didn't yell and blame, slamming doors and getting up in my face. The person I fell in love with would never look me straight in the eye and tell me he hates me. The person I fell in love with wouldn't go back on his promises and flippantly tell me he changed his mind.
I want to be numb so I won't feel like such a naive and gullible fool. God, help me.
8 comments:
I think you're right on when you pray for strength and patience. I know I did that, my sponsor told me not to pray for specific things, because I have no control over people, places or things, and what I want may not be the best thing for either my husband or me.
Of course it would piss me off! I knew what should happen! :) All this work you are doing is so important, and you should know that you will be OK, no matter what happens. I know my worst fears came true, all that I dreaded would happen did, and worse. But hey, miracle of miracles, I'm ok. I'm better than OK. My sponsor loves to point that out!
I'm thinking of you, you're out there with all of us, and not alone!
I will pray that you can be an Armadillo for a while. Here's why I like armadillos: They soldier through their dry little lives, curl up into a ball when required and then scurry along. Armadillos can jump up high, they can dig down low, they can swim and hold their breath underwater for 6 minutes, and even though they have short little legs, they can run really fast, often into thorny bushes other animals can't endure.
Armadillos are the ultimate survivors in my book, and when I am feeling really vulnerable and scared and threatened by either by surroundings or my inner torments, I try to picture myself as an armadillo and move myself to safety by any means necessary. I curl and scurry and remind myself that in the Here and Now is where I am. I may have other difficult situations ahead of me, but this moment is this one, not that one.
I'll pray for armor, and a variety of ways for you to get through any challenging terrain.
I wish you a reprieve of some kind from the feeling part of all of this. Cat
Continuing to send you hugs and good thoughts, Margaux.
When I feel overwhelmed by things, I imagine I have a shell around me made of all the experiences I've ever had. All the things that hurt me and made me angry or sad or scared went into my shell. Much like Sophie's armadillo, this shell becomes impenetrable and whatever life throws at me becomes part of my lovely shell.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much pain right now. I hope a respite comes soon.
I want that switch to flip in me, too; I'm terrified of finding it flipped.
I remember when it happened to me with my ex husband. I couldn't turn it back on, no matter how much I wanted to. It was done. I don't want to feel that way about my husband, and I completely want to feel that way.
JW--Thanks for dropping by. It's interesting that you've felt this way in a previous relationship. My switch turned off with an ex-boyfriend and I left the relationship feeling numb. But when I look back on it, I realize that I did all sorts of things to stuff down those emotions and that I never really grieved the end of the relationship--I just spent a lot of time being confused and fucked up. I'm wondering if, now that I'm in recovery and very aware of my emotions, that could off-switch effect could really still happen.
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