I think I’ve mentioned my belief that when other people get what they need, I get what I need as well. I’ve been seeing lately what a blessing it is to wait another few weeks for Mark to get his family stuff in order before I consult him about the divorce paperwork. I was already kind of harried about all the stuff I have to do for the “job-related plan” I wrote about last month. The deadline for everything having to do with it is at the end of this month, and I’m really grateful to have the time to focus solely on that. It would have been difficult dividing my attention between it and all the highly emotional divorce stuff.
I have been noticing, though, that as the job plan has been winding down, I’ve been feeling a little bit of panic and restlessness. I think staying so busy has anesthetized me slightly, with my gaze fixed unflinchingly on the future while the present is a blurry halo in my peripheral vision. Not having all that going on in the midst of the divorce means I’m going to have to really feel and fully experience it, when what I (secretly) wanted was to squeeze my eyes shut, feel the prick of the needle, and open them only to discover it’s all over. At this point, though, I know that pain won’t kill me. Still, it’s amazing what we humans do to trick ourselves into avoiding it.
2 comments:
You are correct, we do go to amazing lengths to fool ourselves. The key is to be aware, although it may at first seem more painful I believe you will find less long term pain and more relief.
Mark--Yes, definitely. I've already experienced the healing of feeling in other situations, and I know that, ultimately, this pain will have the same transformative effect.
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