The Beginning of the End

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without blogging. Two factors have kept me away this past month: A broken laptop, which I finally replaced yesterday, and being extremely busy with divorce and next-chapter-of-my-life stuff. I flew to New York to file the preliminary divorce paperwork (there will be one more trip to tie it all up), and I also traveled to the city to which I’ll be moving in a couple months to scope out living arrangements. But I’ll just talk about the divorce stuff, since I plan to keep the next-chapter stuff pretty vague to protect my anonymity. I will say, though, that I’m really excited (and, at the same time, a little anxious) about my move.

Filing the divorce paperwork wasn’t as difficult as I expected it would be, at least not while I was in New York. My mom tagged along for moral support, and that helped a lot. We took breaks from all the bureaucracy by peppering in some fun activities, like eating at some of my favorite restaurants and shopping at some of my favorite stores. The first day was a little rough--everything about New York seemed to remind me of Mark, but by the next day, it felt simply like home and I was able to remember the city as a place I also joyfully lived as a single person for a few years.

It’s been a little more difficult since I returned to the South. It’s like my grief emotions gave me a break long enough to get 'er done, and now they’re popping up from behind the sofa and shouting, “Surprise! We’re baaaack!” But it’s felt very healing to cry--after each sob session, it feels like I’ve purged some toxic shit and my spirit feels increasingly cleansed and a little bit lighter.

In the midst of this grieving, I also received a lesson in the “be careful what you wish for” department. Mark emailed me an apology letter, which is something I had really, really wanted. At first, I was stoked about it. Mark isn’t one of those addicts who says “I’m sorry” a million times, only to do the same stuff again--at least not when I lived with him. He would act slightly sheepish without apologizing, and then promise not to do it again (and, of course, do it again), or justify/rationalize the action and then claim he didn’t see any reason for not doing it again. So “I’m sorry” was sort of a first, and that blinded me temporarily. I wrote him back and thanked him for the apology, while wishing him well on this next part of his journey.

But then a few days passed, and his letter (and my response) kept nagging at me; something just didn’t feel right. I reread his email and saw that he didn’t take responsibility for his part. Instead, he took “our” inventory, and vaguely described the relationship’s unhealthy patterns without referencing his contribution and, specifically, his addiction. He also didn’t say anything about what he was doing to keep from repeating these patterns and hurting others (and himself) in the future. That’s when I realized that that sort of “apology” isn’t enough for me.

So I wrote him back and told him politely that though I still wish him well and have cultivated forgiveness on my own, I had thought it over a little more and I can’t accept an apology that doesn’t include any of the things I’ve been telling him I need for years. Just because the relationship is ending doesn’t mean that I still don’t need transparency and, most importantly, behavior that reflects recovery from him. Not surprisingly, he hasn’t responded. But I’ve been feeling much better after speaking my truth instead of doing the same old-same old and accepting crumbs in an effort to keep the peace and live wrapped in a warm, nubby blanket of denial. It feels better to end the relationship being true to myself than saying what he wants to hear in order to create the illusion of ending on a “good” note.